I’m so cold. I’m losing my soul. Where did you go?
I’m staring up into the sky. Asking myself why. Is this really goodbye?
The building we built. The tower we scaled. I couldn’t have imagined it. It was a thing of beauty. You were right before my eyes. An image of true love and completeness. I came to life the moment we met.
But now I’m so far below. I am one with the soil and stones.
Am I enough to move and inspire you to help me change the imagine of you pushing me off the ledge?
Were your acts of kindness all in vain?
It’s all I can take- I gave you my whole bleeding heart. My vulnerability didn’t wake up only for the ghost of everything I thought you were to continue haunting me.
Are these promises you keep laced with poison? Something sweet that I can’t resist, like a bee to pollen?
You saw into me and unfroze all the parts of me that I thought could never be thawed. I felt you even though it’s not possible. I could open the dusty window and breathe again. I could climb out of it and follow your love to where it lives somewhere between you and I.
But I close my eyes and have that imagine burned behind them. We scaled this building so high. The wind blew around us and everything felt so real and so right. So complete. Could we have gone much higher?
But then something happened. I slipped a little on our way up. My footing wasn’t placed right on the shiny perfect metal that our tower was. I was able to catch myself before falling though. We were level. You and I. But suddenly I saw something in your eyes, something that made my blood run cold. I didn’t expect the next thing to happen though. Without looking away from me, you let go of my hands and pushed me off the ledge.
An inescapable fate. There was nothing to grab to keep me from falling. The world moved so slow as I was falling even though the wind blew past me so fast.
But my footing! My footing was stable… even though I slipped for a moment, I stood up again. I was on the ledge, I had made it. We had made it.
I could only look up into the clouded sky now as I fell further and further. Pretty soon I’d hit the pavement and shatter into a million pieces. I closed my eyes and waited for the end of everything.
Here I am. Part of the street. My eyes are open now, looking towards the top of the tower. I can’t move. Am I even breathing? I still somehow have a pulse. I’m bleeding and broken, but I’m still alive. I’m half alive. I’m not sure what’s worse: surviving the fall or having all the everything you loved torn away from you.
But wait… I see you now. You’re no longer at the top of the tower. You’re standing over me, kneeling down and staring at me with a different kind of gaze. My view is blurry. But I’m doing my best to look at you. You’re filled with regret. Filled with horror as to what you did. You didn’t quite understand what truly led you to pushing me off the building… but here you are, with me now and holding my hand tightly.
I’m still now. My breathing is shallow. My own blood pools around me as you try to make it stop. I see the guilt and pain wash over you. But I can’t move. I don’t have the strength to do much.
You apologize over and over, promising you’ll stay and won’t run away. I hear you, but I can’t speak. I feel sincerity, but I feel my spirit cry. I feel my own tears slip away.
I see part of the building crumbling down around us. It somehow stands, but it’s not beautiful and pristine anymore. The metal is bent, the structure is damaged, those beautiful windows we gazed out of are shattered and dirty.
You hold me tight, but I’m so weak. I just want to sleep. I want to dream away this nightmare. I’m trying to convince myself it’s a nightmare, and that beautiful dreams will come and save me. But they don’t. I wake up with sorrow on my mind. But you’re still beside me and our broken tower.
Could we fix what’s broken? Can I mend myself and stand up again? Will you really hold my hand and not let go if I lose my balance again? Am I strong enough to help rebuild this building that we had with you?
Our fate changed. We won’t be the same. The sun has gone away behind the clouds, and all I feel is the cool moonlight and rainy drizzle upon my skin. I’ll let it wash away the poison that’s sunken into me.
I will pray, hope and wish that the benevolent sun will come back again for us someday.
But will you weather the storm to see the sun? Will these storms forgive you for what you’ve done? Will the sun come back and shine upon you? Will the sun burn through you and set your soul on fire? The winds can blow away the pain, but only you can steer yourself into the direction where the sun resides.
Tell me the clouds will part, and that the sun will come shine upon us again someday.
Tell me our foundation will become strong. Will it be constructed with tougher materials that won’t crumble and bend beneath us? Even though cracks will remain and will appear through time, will you be patient enough to fill them without dismay?
Tell me when I have enough strength to rise, that we’ll climb back up, and you won’t look at me and let me go. I need you to feel it deep in your own soul, I need you to feel it swimming through your veins. I need to know my trust in you is safe. I need to know that my love is enough to anchor you to earth.
I hope the next time we reach the top, you’ll look at me with love and relief- because we made it up all the way, fully alive and with the sun on our side.
My imagination loves to run wild.
I hope my dreams come true.
I hope I’ll really have the best of you.
I hope you’ll take all of me and never let me go.
xoxo,
amy sumisu 