Where do I begin? Do I start with the present? The way my skin tingles, crawls, bleeds and burns? The way the endless tears stain my pillowcase and my face? The way my chest caves in on itself and I suddenly can’t breathe?

Who could—who would—love someone like me?

The flaws I carry are too much to bear. The heaviness sets in and I drift away. I fear the worst. I accept the impending doom. I want to push myself away and check out. I can’t find the words to explain the intense emotions coursing through my veins. My symptoms exceed my baseline. I’m not proud of this. I want to hide, yet I am lost. I am an electric line that has burst. I am a fire that has become uncontainable.

My stomach is in knots. My throat is sore. My eyes give way to a seemingly endless waterfall of sorrow. My skin begs for mercy.

I am unstable. I want to hide that part of me from those who see me daily. I don’t want them to see the hollow cracks behind the mask. I don’t want them to look at me too closely, for I’ll fall apart. I don’t want them to drown in my tears.

I don’t want them to see me.

The evil dark in me slipped out. It caused pain. It caused ruin. I wasn’t careful. I couldn’t stop. Why couldn’t I keep it inside? It only hurts those who swallow those words. Things I can’t erase, but only beg for them to be forgiven.

I’m painted blue- who could trust me after hearing such hateful words spill from my lips?

These feelings will eat me alive until there is nothing left. This is my curse that no one should have to bear. I will suffer alone in the wasteland that is my mind.

I’ve spent so much of my life hating myself. Even when I’m alright, it seems the hate is still swirling beneath me. It’s always there waiting to catch me and drown me in the endless dark waters.

Who could love someone like me? I try to hold it all together. I’m failing. They’ve seen who and what I really am. I’m on the edge of abandonment, and the ground is cracking beneath me. The hateful waters are ready for me to fall in.

Paranoia sets in. I fear for all that I’ve ruined. How could I destroy another heart? This has always been my fault. I don’t mean to be so cold.

Don’t stop looking at me. Don’t walk out on me.

I don’t know what others see when they look inside of me; are they even really looking? If they were, they would see how ugly I really am. I fool those I meet- I’m nothing but an empty shell.

Don’t ask questions. Don’t come too close.

I want to wash the poison from off my skin, but I’m afraid it’ll spill onto you. I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t want to end you.

I’m stuck inside these four walls. I don’t foresee much sleep tonight. I’m trying to sort my thoughts and emotions separately but both are like a yarn ball that has become knotted. I can’t pull it apart.

My mind is running a million miles a minute. But I’m shutting down.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m broken. All I want is to be loved but I can’t even do that right. I push those away until they have had enough and finally leave. They’ve figured it out. I’m lost in the nothingness I’ve become.

Is this real? Is this imagined? My mind can’t tell them apart. Have I flown too close to the sun? Am I falling from grace?

I fear I’ve ruined the one thing I truly treasured. I let the worst of me escape and taint it. This was supposed to be healthy and free of my illness. But it kept slipping in. There’s only so much a person can take who’s on the other side of me.

I don’t want them to leave. I’m just so sorry. But all the love in me can’t make someone stay. I don’t know if it could erase the pain and make the sun shine again.

Now the world gets to see this horrible part of me. You can all see me for what I am. Maybe all along it’s been my fault, in every encounter in my life. It has to be my fault. I’ve chased away their happiness.

Nobody wants to love someone like me.

The emptiness grows so heavy and is swallowing me whole. The world is crumbling. I don’t want to accept my real or imagined reality. I can’t tell the difference right now. What is the truth and what is a lie? Has my paranoia gotten the best of me? The nightmares wait for me to close my eyes, but I won’t let them. I don’t want to accept this. Please make it go away. I can’t live through this again… god, not again.

My mind is telling me everything is falling apart. I don’t know what to believe right now. I’m stuck in the company of my own demons and they’re convincing me all is lost.

I fall apart in front of you all too often. Have you reached your threshold? Have I become too much?

I just want to rewind time.
I’m so afraid to die.
Save me from this lie.

This is the bleak reality I’ve been born and raised into. This is me. This is my design. I try to hide it as best as I can. But it takes me over at times and I can’t hold it back. After all the layers melt away and you’re exposed to this monster that I am, will you still love me? I don’t know, but I think you’ve gone away.

My heart bleeds and stings from the mess I’ve created. I can’t stop the hemorrhaging. Why can’t I heal myself?

Is it too late?

…

 

I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused.
I’m sorry for hurting you.

 

 

I’m sorry for who and what I am.

 

 

 

xoxo,