My head is buzzing. The sound frequencies and wavelengths are churning inside my mind. I lie awake and stare at the wall, as if the answer to my problems are going to seep through the paint and wash away the indignation and pain.
I’m not having a pity party, I legit question the universe as to why these events, trials and tribulations seem to frequently happen to me. Did I do something to deserve it? Did I wrong people unknowingly? Did I insult my ancestors and do injustice to their legacy? I don’t fucking know anymore. But I’m screaming as loud as I can, yet no one seems to really hear me.
Am I alive? Is this real? Or are we all just walking around in a dream that morphs into a nightmare? Is someone watching us through a petri dish? What if we’re some fat kids 6th grade science project?
I don’t know if I believe in the “otherside”, whatever that means to you. Faith is something I have in life itself, and I try to hold onto it. But then events like today make me feel something else. I’m lucky to be alive, but at the same time, I’m so broken and empty inside. Part of me died; I lost a friend.
I’ve lost hope in a lot of things. I don’t feel hopeful for the future. I don’t feel hopeful in the present. So many things have led up to this moment, and at the end of the day, I just keep asking the same question… “Why?”
Do any of us have it figured out? Maybe we’re all just faking it. But some of us can’t keep wearing the mask, can’t keep playing out this charade, can’t keep pretending it’s all okay… Because it’s not okay. And sometimes I wish someone would take a deeper look into my soul and reach in and make me whole again.
But I’ll still curl up into myself with my walls up high, because who would want to scale them anyway? I’ll hide inside my fortress, for the vulnerability that comes with these emotions is too great, and I have nothing left to give.
I don’t know who or what I even am anymore…
I hope I can find her again.