My cup is neither full nor empty. The vessel itself is cracked, therefore nothing really stays inside.

Since the accident, I’ve felt even more incomplete than normal. Nothing seems to just stay inside and warm me up. My thoughts are jumbled or blank. I have nothing much to say. Everything feels like a void.

I sleep to escape. I sleep to self-soothe. I sleep to avoid being consumed by the void. I sleep to pass the time until something I find worthy of my consciousness comes along. Then I’ll sleep some more when that “something” decides to disappear. At least when I’m asleep, nothing hurts.

My therapist and I have been talking about the feeling that I try to avoid at all costs. It’s a feeling that’s so hard to describe, but it’s everything I don’t want to feel. And it comes when I’m down in the mud. It comes when I’m at my lowest, when I feel so hopeless, when I feel like I’m a child again. A feeling that was my shadow throughout childhood. The feeling that lingers behind me when I’ve lost control––when I’ve lost grip on what I once held.

It’s the cinderblock that rests on me, hindering me from moving. My therapist asks if I associate a color with it, and for some reason I see this fuzzy dull light yellow. I know what you’re thinking, “But yellow is a happy color!” Not this shade of yellow. I don’t wear yellow for a reason. And maybe it’s my subconscious that steers me away from yellow things. Maybe it’s the color of innocence, and maybe that’s why I don’t understand or connect with it… Because my innocence went away long ago.

I’m trying to find ways to avert my attention away from it, for it holds me inside its ghastly yellow prison when I give into it. I used to read so much when I first moved back home to LA. I’ve been thinking of diving back into it. It’s hard for me to focus entirely on one thing. Work consumes me, and when I’m not working, I’m just tired and want to sleep. See? Endless cycle. Just trying to escape my reality. Maybe books can help me with that again.

I wish I could see my therapist more than once a week. When I was 18 (2008), I saw my first therapist several times a week. When I was 20 (2010), I saw my 2nd therapist twice a week. After I was discharged from the hospital in 2014 (I was 24. My age is easy to figure out, I was born in 1990), I was in an IOP (Intensive out-patient) group therapy 5 times a week. It was nice seeing the same faces every day for two hours and talking about what we needed to talk about. I did that for a month, I wish it was longer.

Sometimes I get the idea to write a book, but I’m not very good at telling stories. I write poetry and lyrics, but I don’t share them very often. I have notebooks full of them.

I do have a lot of ideas, but sometimes they just decide to disappear and go on vacation on another planet, into another mind. And then my vessel of a body is abandoned and nobody is home. So all the ideas come seeping out of the cracks…

I often think of the broken pottery art called “Kintsugi” that the Japanese created. Instead of disposing of broken pottery, they repair it by fusing it back together with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. They see the flaws/damage/breakage as part of the pieces’ history, rather than something to dispose of or hide. The “flaw” is illuminated, it’s considered a point of pride, something beautiful.

Will I ever bond the cracks within me with gold? Instead of losing myself in vain, can I repair the broken vessel that is my soul? Can I make myself whole again?

I guess I need to look for some more precious metals.

xoxo,

signatureAS

2 Comments

  1. Kintsugi, thats a beautful analogy Pika.
    Here is a Western Thought Related to Us as broken Pottery,

    The night Jesus was betrayed, Judas sold out our Lord, for 30 pieces of Silver. After realizing what he had done, Judas took the money back but the Priests wouldn’t take it, and Judas threw the money down, then went and hanged himself. The Priests took that money, the Price of our Lords Life, that Price of Redemption, and bought the “Potter’s Field” to bury strangers in. They called this field the “Field of Blood” ever since. This was no accident. The potters field they had purchased, is where all the REJECTS, the BROKEN and MARRED vessels, those that failed in the potters hands, were all thrown into this field. It is written that Jesus paid the price for the “whole field”, that “Field of Blood”, giving up His own blood, in order to obtain the treasure within. We are told that we have this, “Treasure in Earthen Vessels”. Jesus death, paid the price for the whole field, including all the broken and rejected pieces, and He is willing to start over with them, with you, and with me, and every time I find myself failing, going my own way, seeking my own way, and turn back to Him, His promise is that “As we turn unto Him, He would turn unto us”. And, He takes me as I am, back into His arms, and He, “The Boss”, begins again with this vessel. We are all marred, rejected, and broken vessels, but God will not give up on us, He will never give up on us, so don’t you give up on Him. Jesus, willingly gave up His Glory in Heaven, came and was born into sinful flesh, was tempted in every way as we are, overcame the Devil, witnessed to this world, of God, and Died as a Ransom for the sin of the Whole World. But that is not the end of the story, because after three days and three nights, Jesus came out of that tomb. We do not serve some dead prophet, but a Live, Glorious, Risen Savior, who Ascended to the Right Hand of God, who loves us and truly has our best interests at heart. Now if Jesus, by Faith, submitted to the “Potter’s Wheel” Himself, leaving His Glory in heaven, and living in a physical life of sin, full of strife and turmoil, to the point of laying down His life in Faith, knowing that God was in control and would raise Him up, how much more should we, be willing to submit to the “New Boss” and allow His guidance in our lives. For Christ, is that Potter now, and He died for you and me, to give us eternal life through Faith, and for trusting God and Christ. The Father and Son Potter’s, will bring us through to completion.

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  2. Amy –
    What Jim shared is true. Many ask why does God let bad things happen. This world has been hijacked, so to speak.
    However God has & did reveal Himself thru the Prophets of old in the Bible & also with the 1st coming of Jesus, in which the purchase of the Potters Field was accomplished thru His death & resurrection.
    When Jesus was here, he was a friend of all, except the self-righteous. For in this broken hijacked world we are diluded into believing we can “do” all, we don’t need God. And God who respects us & our “free will” does not impose Himself.
    However, there is a vacancy each person who does not know God has & feels, an empty place that belongs to only God.
    Many things are permitted by God in order that lessons or an awareness be brought out within those experiences.
    Then entered into by God, because He sees one of His Children struggling or searching & reaching out. He wants to bring us closer to Himself.
    Jesus loves God, and seeing this world gone wrong & knowing how much God loves us. He was willing to be the perfect sacrifice in order for us to be reunited to God.
    God promised Jesus that upon dying God would raise Jesus up.
    Jesus who came from heaven knew God would keep His word. Jesus trusted God, and God made good on His promise. God has promised those who who trust Him they will be raised up when they die into eternal life. All for trusting Him with our life here.
    I too struggle, many similar to yours.
    If it were not for the gift of grace from God, given to me to understand my purpose & the love God has for me. I really can’t say where I would be.
    I have hope & purpose & that is what God holds for those who seek Him.
    We, your Uncle Jim & I love you very much and are here for you. We aren’t wanting to cram God down your throat. We are able to share that peace and a comfort with you.
    Or just listen & spend time making good memories. XXX’s & OOO’s
    Aunt Liz

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