Have you ever met someone who came into your life without a moments notice, buried themselves deep inside your heart, only to leave just as fast? Did they look into your eyes as if they could see all the ways you were broken? Did they come in and heal you nearly night after night, only for you to leave empty-handed and empty-hearted? Was your aching soul longing for so much more than they could give? Did your emotions swallow you whole? Were you so trapped in blissful ignorance to see that this was never meant to last or be yours? Did you ever feel so certain about something, only to be deceived by the harsh reality that was there in the background the entire time?
I was so certain it would all piece itself together beautifully. I was certain that person would finally look into my eyes––and see all the swimming emotions that I was silently begging them to see––and be awaken with an epiphany of love.
They never did.
It was never fair of me to expect something like this of them, or anyone for that matter.
It hurts to write this out, I can’t formulate the words properly. The thoughts refuse to surface. I feel like an idiot, I feel misguided by my own heart. How can I trust myself if I constantly lead myself in the wrong direction, time and time again? How does my heart seek out something that doesn’t want to be sought after?
How can the electricity in my veins pacify myself now? Poison surges through me. I’m choking, I can’t breathe. My heart… why have you lead me down this dead end, yet again? All I can think about is how stupid I am. I’m so angry at myself. How all the energy I gave felt so real in the moment, but now doesn’t exist. It never did exist. There was no end-game. There was nothing. And I lied to myself, in an attempt to comfort myself that my love was enough.
It never was, it never will be.
I’m tired of believing in something that is so distant… as if it will always be out of reach. All the moments I replay and live through. Everything. This had an expiration date, and I refused to believe it. I wanted to hold onto it, convince myself that this was the right path to walk along. I had found this person just in time.
God. Why am I always so wrong?
All my thoughts and feelings are twisted and torn as I write this. Everything I believed in is burning to the ground. The vacancy that was slowly becoming filled with love and life has emptied itself out again, and all that’s left now is a black charred cavity where my heart was. The heart that was beginning to come back to life… it has viciously laid itself back to rest.
I can’t be mad at this person. The dark cloud of uncertainty was always hanging above us; I just chose to look the other way, waiting for it to pass on by. But it never did, it refused to budge.
Who knew that the last kiss we shared, this person ironically said that I had kissed them like I was never going to see them again. And I knew in that moment, I wasn’t ever going to. I wish they would’ve let me cherished that kiss just a little longer.
I wish I could’ve held onto those moments for as long as possible. I wish I could’ve reached further into their heart and soul, and built a castle of hope for them. I wish I could’ve been everything and more. I wish my love was enough. I wish I could’ve helped fix themselves. I wish I could’ve carried their tired spirit and lift them up as high as I could. I wish I could’ve stolen their pain away forever. But I couldn’t.
Love has no filter. It can’t be contained. It has no sense of time. It doesn’t care if you’ve only know someone for a little while. It will hunt you down, and it will hold onto you tightly. Love won’t let go so easily.
But the problem is, my love… you can’t hold onto something you never had.
And that’s what hurts the most.