I see you… You watch me from the corner of the room. You watch me from the depths of my soul. You gaze ever so sinisterly in my direction. You want it all to end. You want me to give up. My emotional shadow is too much for you. You want to swallow it whole and consume its beauty in black. You want it to bathe in the pain that you’ve surrounded me in.
You linger in the back of my mind, eternally. You’ve become my closest friend… my enemy. You sleep even when I’m wide awake and doing all I can to push you off the edge of my sanity. You steal my life away. I drink your poison because it’s all that runs through my blood, and it’s the only way I know how to survive.
And even though you destroy my spirit and make me question my every move, every decision, every thought, every feeling, you’re all I know. You’re the only one who truly understands because you’ve been there for what feels like forever. You came to me when I least expected you to. You came to me and I had no clue who you were for so long. I mistook you for something else, and I still felt empty and misunderstood. Now you live inside me, and I still feel that way… the only difference is that you just have a real name now.
Time cannot erase our past. It can’t erase our present, and it will never erase the future. But nothing lasts forever, does it? What does eternity mean to you? Will you be here inside me until my last dying breath? Does forever end? If you do leave me before I leave this world, I’m not sure how I’ll feel. You’ve taught me many lessons, despite my well-being. You reside in all the parts of me, even the parts I expose to other people. Sometimes you slip through the cracks even though I’m trying to hide you away. Sometimes I prefer to not mention you… but the truth is, I can’t hide you. No matter how hard I try, you will always make your presence known sooner or later.
But I won’t discredit you completely. You’ve given me some of the best gifts I could ever hold onto. Gifts that have shaped me into who I am. You’ve fueled the passion that burns inside of me. Lessons that have taught me about myself and how I co-exist with you. Lessons of the world around me and how to walk away from people who give me less than what I need.
Through you, I have realized that I deserve so much better from anything that dims the flame I’ve desperately tried to keep lit. You may interfere with some things, some individuals, but you eventually make me realize that some of these things or people aren’t good for me. With your presence around, you have a way to reveal the true colors of whatever or whoever I’m trying to connect with. Sometimes you do protect me in a strange way that, at times, I don’t even understand.
And for that, I thank you.
The more I expose you and talk about you, you don’t frighten me as much. I know you’re there. I can see and hear you. You are the shadow that follows me wherever I go. I acknowledge you. I know you get the best of me at times, and I do find comfort in the twisted ways you love me and hold onto me. You have become home.
When all have abandoned me, you are still there… even when you don’t make sense to me and I want to end it all because of you, you just won’t leave. I somehow crawl out of every battle and you still hang on. I hate you when you ruin my mind, distort my vision and make everyone leave me because you make me do things I’m not proud of doing.
But… I love you, too. I love you because of all the tragedies we’ve survived through together. When all the smoke clears and dust settles, you still teach me another lesson; even if it’s painful. I love you for making me want to be more loving to others because you and I are difficult to love. I love you for continuously feeding me passion that refuses to let up.
I won’t apologize anymore for you taking up residency in me. I won’t be embarrassed by you. I understand you. And by understanding you, I still have power and control of my life. And if others can’t accept that you’re part of me, part of the deal, part of the package that is Amy… then maybe we don’t need them anyway.
I am Amy, and just because Borderline Personality Disorder lives inside of me, it doesn’t make me any less iridescent.