Where did you go?

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I can’t stop crying. I opened this post up to try and release something that’s stuck inside of me- like using a spatula and trying to scrape dried gum off of a table. I’m sitting here, my t-shirt and lap full of my own tears. I have nothing but white candles and handfuls of tears for you. I’m just trying to find the words to say to piece my thoughts together, which in turn might make these feelings settle down

It’s like you knew 2020 was going to be the year from beyond hell, so your body decided to clock out of this life. Where did you go? Are you better off there? Are you happier? Are you watching us and feeling some type of way?

In these many moments of solitude, I just want to slip away, too.

Why don’t they teach this kind of thing in school? Why don’t they tell you about the countless nights spent trying to fall asleep but your brain won’t slow down enough to quiet itself? Why isn’t there a manual to deal with moments when your chest feels so empty and tight at the same time, to the point where you swear it’s going to explode? Where’s the fix for a broken heart? Where’s the cure for uncertainty?

Where is the light?

I don’t want to face this anymore. But I can only run and hide for so long. At some point I just have to let it consume me and hope to god it drains out before it drowns me.

I silently swore to you that I wouldn’t pick up a razor and put it to my skin ever again. It was something I did for 17 years. But no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the urge to pick it back up again sears through me when the emotional pain becomes too much. I know it doesn’t serve me anymore. I know it has no place here anymore. But it felt better focusing on pain I could see and heal rather than the poison inside of my heart and mind- the places I can never seem to reach.

This process sucks. There is no end, there will never be an end to this madness. There is no time line to when the pain subsides. My soul is bleeding and all I can do it slap a bandaid every time it springs a leak. There will never be a time when it’ll stay healed for good. The pain will always win and push through the scar that tries to heal in vain.

I’ve always been sensitive. My face says otherwise. My tone says otherwise. It’s my defense mechanism. But every change in tone or facial expression in someone else destroys my self-confidence and my self-worth. Every word said that makes it clear that I have angered and failed them, every breath of their indignation consumes me… and I float away in a dark cloud of tension, anxiety, impending doom and tears.

I feel all these things and I want to scream because they hurt, but I know it doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t find the cure, I can’t find the relief. I just have to sit with this and hope that their words and thoughts and feelings don’t crush me along the way. I can’t find my own words to say to make it through each day.

The dark cloud, though. It doesn’t take me to safety. It only rises up so I can still be in the atmosphere that drowned me but watch from above. Sooner or later, I will fall out of this worthless cloud and be surrounded once again by these feelings that come and go.

How do I deal with these scenes in my head that play over and over again? How do I hit pause and learn to breathe again? I think I’m just expected to say “I’m fine” and carry on even though this parasite inside won’t stop eating me alive. Can it wait? Will you wait? Why won’t the world world wait? Why can’t it just stop for a moment?

The world waits for no one. The world has forgotten me already. If you think you’re important to the world, think again. The world will swallow you whole and leave you with nothing.

You knew this and you let go.

 

 

But where did you go…?

 

 

xoxo,