It’s been one of those days––which I do frequently have––where I feel unmeasurably emptier and heavier than normal. I’m not sure when it snuck up on me today. Perhaps it’s been building. I hate it. I can’t stand it, and I wish it would go away. I didn’t welcome it inside me. But as always, it never listens… always barging in like it owns me.
I sometimes think that maybe it does.
I’m sick, well physically right now (mentally always). I caught a cold. It crept on me last night, starting with a sore throat. Now it’s migrated into my sinuses. I took some Advil to ease the sniffles and sinus pressure. I don’t get sick very often, maybe a few times a year. Hooray for having a good immune system, despite my terrible diet.
Even writing this post is difficult. I’m not having much inspiration to write. But in these moments I know it’s when I SHOULD force myself to write anyway.
I’ve been craving the love of someone else. I don’t know who that someone is. It sounds pathetic, but I wish I could be in a relationship. I crave that kind of love and security. God, I sound pathetic. Talking about this kind of thing seems so desperate and lame. But I have to get it out, I’m ready for the judgmental thoughts that are rendering through your minds. I’ve downloaded those stupid dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, but none of these men I’ve came across––er, swiped across, have peaked my interest. I know it seems superficial, and maybe it is, and maybe part of me is terrified of meeting these guys in person. I… I am probably a lost cause. It seems like whenever I do fall for someone, they’re unavailable in some sort of way. Why does my heart choose these kinds of men? I don’t understand. And then I get angry at myself, and discouraged, and squash the opportunity to meet someone with potential. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m always so eager to open my heart up to someone, but then it seems like it usually just falls flat and doesn’t go anywhere.
I have so much I could give, so much I want to share. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone. I’ve grown and evolved into a better person because of it. But life is just so much more exciting when you have someone to share it with. Nearly all my friends are in relationships, and are getting engaged/married/having kids. I’m actually going to one of my close friends wedding next month. Maybe it’s pathetic, but I really want a date to go with. Problem is, it’s out of state. So how likely is somebody going to want to fly with me to the midwest? Still holding out hope, though I only have until Saturday to RSVP… so I should probably get on that, huh?
I wonder in what point in my life did Cupid decide to poke me and make me a hopeless romantic? Did I watch too many rom-coms growing up? Too many sappy love anthems? Lack of emotional security growing up so now I look for that in my pending relationships? Oops, did I say that out loud? Oh well, it was bound to come out sooner or later. I can’t hide who I am. I don’t want to anymore. If someone is going to have me, they will get ALL OF ME. No more filters, no more hesitation. Take me or leave me. I can’t compromise my character because this is who I am: a sappy love-sick soul who is a little corny but can also be cold, emotional and numb. Wow, I’m the definition of a walking contradiction. It is what it is though. I guess I can make life interesting.
But really. I love love songs and rom-coms and anything that involves a emotional connection with someone who isn’t afraid to shine it right back at me. It takes time to build up that trust and comfort in someone, but once it’s there, I’m all in. Unless you give me a reason to not to, then that’s where I tend to back up. Getting my heart broken so many times has made me resist at times, but only because I don’t WANT to let myself fall into the wrong hands again. And I know there’s no way of knowing if it’s going to be wrong eventually. I guess that’s part of the risk of love; they don’t call it “falling in love” for nothing.
Although I hate Valentine’s Day… I don’t need a goddamn holiday to celebrate my love for someone. That’s everyday for me, because you should never hold back how you really feel.
Easier said than done, I know. But we all have to try sometime.
Reminds me of a Pink song called “Try.”
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it’s not right
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try, and try, and try.”
So what are we waiting for? What are you waiting for? What am I waiting for…
Someone call my name, and lead me back home.