“I’m stuck in this bed you made
Alone with a sinking feeling
I saw through the words you said
To the secrets you’ve been keeping
It’s written upon your face
All the lies how they cut so deeply
You can’t get enough you take
And take and take and never say
No- You’ve gotta get it inside
You push it back down
You push it back down
No- You’ll never get it inside
Push it back down, black out, blood in your eye
You say that it’s not your fault
And swear that I am mistaken
You said it’s not what it seems
No remorse for the trust you’re breaking
You run but then back you fall
Suffocate in the mess you’re making
You can’t get enough, you take
And take, and take, and take, and take
Fuck it, Are you listening?”
Blackout / Linkin Park –– A Thousand Suns
Salvation is all I wanted, all I needed, all I wished and prayed for. I had been so neglected and abused. Alone and unwanted. Wasting away in the depths of my emotional fatigue and silent screams. I was tired, sick of the sad lie my life had become. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I never was.
Then you came along. And suddenly, I had a reason to live again. I gave in, I fell into your open arms because nothing else mattered. Life was growing, blooming in infinite beautiful ways. I could see sound and taste colors. You breathed into me and I was alive. You made me alive.
Until you didn’t. Until you killed me, again, and again, and again…
What was happening in your brain to let this all unfold the way it did? Was it all part of your elaborate evil plan? Were you consciously aware of the turmoil you created? Did you pinpoint me as a weak, pathetic, lost little puppy who needed someone to care for her because she couldn’t herself? And then like a untrained, disobedient puppy, you decided to exert your power over me with abuse, instead of positive reinforcement. I wasn’t a person to you, I wasn’t anything to you. And yet, you convinced me over and over again that I DID mean something to you. But you failed to prove it to me, because you didn’t fucking mean it. Ever. None of it.
If you were to walk up to me today, and attempt to explain yourself, I wouldn’t listen. I will never listen. I will never hear you out ever again. You failed to hear me out in all the endless moments I suffered. You killed me so many times, I’ve lost count. You would laugh at my pain, you mocked my agony and depression. You encouraged me to push the blade deeper into my skin. You are a sick individual and you don’t deserve happiness at all. I can’t believe I was so weak and stayed around you for so long. I should’ve left the moment I realized there was something wrong, so about a month in.
You aren’t just a red flag. You are the 9th level of hell. You bathe in fire and breathe in the smoke of your senseless hate and expel anger… and you burned me. In return, for all the fucking love I gave you, you spilled gasoline on me and lit the match, and watched me burn. God, you are sick.
I’ve said it so many times before and I will never stop: you are not worthy of forgiveness. You are fucking horrible. You don’t deserve love or happiness. For all the anger you shoved down my throat, I’m hurling it directly back at YOU. I refuse to hate the ones I love around me because HEY! I LOVE THEM. Something you are clearly incapable of. You spew all these lies, pretending you know what the fuck you’re talking about, pretending your words are laced with love when really, they are drenched in poison. And oh my god, I kept reading them. I never wanted to stop because I was captivated by the sweet lies you wrote for me. What a stupid and weak individual I was. I WAS.
I am not weak anymore.
It took me 4 long agonizing years to finally learn my lesson. Years of people telling me I needed to get out because you weren’t any good for me. They were not wrong, and I knew that. But I loved you so much that I didn’t care. I knew my love would heal you and make you open your eyes and see the light. How horribly wrong I was.
No amount of love could repair your dead heart and soul… And I’m just so angry it took me years to understand that.
No longer will I feed into that. I don’t believe in healing those who are beyond repair. They’re too far gone, you were too far gone. You took and took and took and stole my love and energy, and yet I continually gave it to you while you were stealing it. I was so blind. I was aware it was happening but I was still blind! Why couldn’t I make myself stop? What invisible hands were holding so tightly to my wrists that I couldn’t get away?
You are not a person to me. You are a tragic lesson that I still see around me. You are everything I never want to be. You are the example I have to compare to the next man. You are the reason I keep fighting, because I never want to be as weak as I was with you. I never want to be weak LIKE YOU. You are pathetic. You will be alone even in the moments you think you aren’t.
You are alone. You deserve to be alone.
I don’t wish you well. I hope you rot for the rest of your ugly life.
For every ounce of hate you shoved into me, I throw it back at you TENFOLD. You are the only person I’ve ever truly hated in my entire 28 years of existence. You were my greatest failure.
Now whenever I stumble upon a photo of you, I don’t recognize you. You aren’t real. The images I see now are of an empty vessel I shared my life with. Another empty soul who tried to steal my own to make himself feel alive. You almost won… ALMOST. And I know you enjoyed every fucking second of it. You disgust me more than I can explain. Even these words aren’t enough. There aren’t enough words to describe the shit you put me through.
When I imagine monsters, I don’t think of the boogey man under the bed, or Freddy Krueger, or any of the cliche halloween horror movie characters, no. I see you. I see you there in the shadows with your twisted, cold, and malicious gaze. I could never erase those eyes that burned into my soul. I can’t ever not hear you telling me how useless I was, how pathetic and worthless of a person I was to ever think or feel the way I did. I can’t forget the name-calling. I could never erase the memory of you screaming at me, inches from my face. I could never forget you foaming at the mouth because you were so angry and placing it all on me. I can’t ever shake the feeling of you running after me, kicking down the bedroom door and shoving me on the bed, shaking me. I will never forget the abuse.
And I know you refuse to see it. You refuse to really see it. You deny it. You pinned me as the mistaken one. The crazy one. The monster. Take a look in the fucking mirror, you piece of shit. I hope every mirror you look into shatters because even your reflection can’t stand you.
I’m still fighting for my life, I fight for it every day because I know you weren’t worth the pain of dying anymore. I couldn’t stay another moment, knowing that my inevitable death was sooner than later. You drove me to insanity countless times. Because of you, I went to a hospital for mental health care and was put on suicide watch. I was there for a week. Because of you, I nearly took my life TWICE.
The first time I tried, you left me alone in the house. I wrote a suicide note for you. I swallowed 5 bottles of pills. I blacked out. I woke up some time later and I heard snoring. You walked past my body and went to sleep. YOU WENT TO SLEEP. That incident never left my mind. And because I couldn’t shake it off, this eventually pushed itself to the forefront of my mind and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. When I was packing up to leave, I still had that suicide note. I read it to you, crying my eyes out. You stood in the doorway, you couldn’t look at me. You said you were stupid back then and didn’t know what to do. REALLY, FUCKER? You didn’t think to call, I don’t know, 911? You are a fucking moron.
You wore me out. I’m writing this to try to expel you out of my veins because you’re still in there. Not as much as before, but god you’re still there in the moments I least expect you to be there. I will keep fighting every day. I will keep growing. I won’t ever stop. I won’t ever give in to another one like you. I know so much better now. I won’t lay myself down ever again. You were never worth the agony I allowed myself to feel for a person. I got so used to your abuse, it felt like home. The ups and downs, that was my normal reality. I lived and breathed the smoke that was always around us. The smoke never cleared when we put the fire out. It always reignited and continued to burn. I was always suffocating. I was living life with a blindfold on, and staying with you because you would start the fires and then put them out, and called yourself a hero. You thought that was how you were supposed to show love. That is not love.
Because if you really loved me, I would never be writing this letter.
I know I’m not weak. I know I’m worthy. I am my own heroine now.
You never deserved the time of day from me. You didn’t deserve my love. You didn’t deserve my heart or soul, for you turned them to stone. You didn’t deserve any of it. I want back all the time you stole from me. I’m taking it all back and rebuilding myself.
And there’s not a goddamn thing that you can do to interrupt it ever, ever again.
You became Death, the destroyer of worlds.
You will remain that, until your last dying breath.
With empty and loveless regret,