I’ve felt this way many times before. You know, that swirling feeling of uncertainty… but you know that feeling. It’s an uncertain familiar feeling. I realized that’s an oxymoron, but bear with me. For most of my life, I’ve lived in this fear, this uncertainty that has made itself a place inside my mind. I’m so accustomed to it, and yet, I still feel sick every time it creeps up on me.
This isn’t an ode to you, no. You’ve carelessly disregarded all the things I ever said. I’m certain about this: you’ve worn out your welcome inside my heart. This is an ode to everything that’s made me feel me so lost, but even so, I still crawled my way out of the mud to find myself again.
For too long, I’ve let the uncertainty steal my power away. I’ve hid away because I’ve been too afraid to put myself forward and into the light. It takes courage and resilience to face the unknown. I’m trying to be better though. I’m doing all I can to take a step into the unknown, and embrace whatever awaits me on the other side of it all. I don’t want to hold myself back anymore, I want to see everything that life has to offer. I don’t want to be afraid. I’ve always felt so lost. Trying to navigate into a better direction isn’t a smooth course. I’ve hit so many road blocks and went down the wrong streets countless times. I know I still will.
But for every road block and wrong turn, I gain just a little bit more wisdom, strength, courage, and resilience.
That’s more than I can say for a lot of people. There’s people that continue to make the same mistakes over and over. They make them because they don’t know how to change their ways, or worse, they don’t think there’s an issue at all. They don’t see the flaws or the patterns that have imprisoned them. They’re stuck on loop. How sad it is to watch someone live this way and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I’ve been that person before. But now that I’m on the outside of it and see others living that way, the helplessness I feel in that regards hurts.
The reality is though, nobody can save another soul completely. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got, and you have to keep writing and rewriting your story line in order to save yourself. You have to fight for your OWN life. The world doesn’t owe you or I anything. This is our reality, and we as individuals have to build it. It’s up to us to not lose sight. We can’t blame anyone else but ourselves for most things in life. There’s always consequences for our actions.
But you have to keep fighting for a better tomorrow. Some people never understand that though. They lose sight of what’s important and what really matters. They give up. They surrender. They end up losing themselves. I’ve lost myself too, sometimes I think I still am. I find myself often laying down and letting the darkness wash over me. I’m no saint. But I’m doing all I can with all I have to build a steadier path so I don’t fall down so often. And right now, I think I’m doing okay. *knocks on wood*
I realize the unknown is scary. I do. I don’t want to hide anymore though. I will show myself. I won’t bow down or roll over. I will kick and scream and tell the unknown that it doesn’t have control over me anymore. My power is mine, nobody else’s. It doesn’t belong to the unknown. I’m reclaiming it and I’m protecting it with every fiber of my being.
I will continue to pave my wave and reinforce the roads ahead with courage and strength. I won’t let anything or anyone get in my way. I won’t wave a white flag and surrender. I refuse to be tied down by toxicity. I won’t let the past define me. It’s okay to revisit the past from time to time, but I’ll be damned if I reincorporate it into my present. There is no goddamn way that will happen.
I’m taking all the uninvited tragedies and packing them away in my box titled “lessons learned.” I will sift through this box from time to time to remind myself how much better I am and how far I’ve come since I’ve made those mistakes. All the mistakes I’ve made will remain those: mistakes. But from them, I’ve gained a better perspective and understanding of the world, and most importantly, of myself.
I won’t be held down by who I used to be. I won’t be defined by the ghosts that have passed through me. They merely existed for the purpose of my growth. They are nothing now but a dusty memory.
I encourage you all to take a hard look at yourselves and examine what and who it is you want to be. Take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses. Recheck your goals, and if you don’t have any, you’d better fucking make some. Keep growing, because if you don’t, you’re just falling down and becoming the dusty memories we’re all leaving behind.
Strive to be better. Prove yourself wrong. In the face of adversity and turmoil, don’t run. Stand your ground. Take up space. Make yourself known and heard. Don’t let those demons eat you alive. Don’t give up at your own expense because nobody will save you.
Did you hear me? Nobody will save you. Life isn’t a fucking fairy tale. Life isn’t a flawless beautiful dream where you can hide behind things that make you feel good. The uncertainty will always creep into your reality and make your skin crawl. But even so, you can only numb the pain for so long. The fear and the unknown will still be waiting for you when you’ve come to. You can’t hide from the consequences of your carelessness. Eventually you’re going to have to stop running and face the things you’ve been trying to avoid. Everything will always catch up and get you.
Wake the fuck up, you idiot.
The bill comes due.