I can’t find the words to say or write. I can’t seem to find a way to make sense out of the mess that’s inside my head. I’ve been here sifting through my mind trying to compile some sort of clear thought process, but I’m struggling. I’m drifting in and out of reality. I thought I had it all together… but of course, as soon as I think I do, it all falls apart just as fast.

I’m not sure if these things fall apart by my own hands, or if it’s a chain reaction of the choices I make and the directions I go. Why is it so difficult to formulate these feelings inside me? I’m stuck in this place of uncertainty, and it’s making everything so much more difficult than it should be. How do I push away what’s holding me back when I can’t see what’s even there?

Everything I think I know just falls away when reality becomes too overwhelming. I can only handle so much. It all feels so heavy as of late, and the weight of the world is slowly crushing me into something I don’t ever want to be… not again. I’m using all my strength to keep it at bay. Something in me is trying to yank me in one direction, and then I’m being pushed down by everything else. How can these feelings exist simultaneously? Have I been ignoring them and they’ve finally made themselves known? Have I been living in blissful ignorance? I can’t tell what’s real anymore. I can’t decide which way to go. I’ve mentioned this before, but am I even present in my life?

When I’m present, am I happy? Are my feelings just one big lie? How do I trust myself to know how to feel? Have I pacified myself to remain stabilized?

Sometimes I lie awake in silence and feel my own heartbeat. I’m alive.
I’m alive.
I’m alive.
I swear I’m alive.

Why do I feel imprisoned in my own mind? Shouldn’t I be able to break these chains that hold me down? Look what I’ve done… I’ve build my own prison again. Can you hear me screaming? I’m stuck in the dark. There is no beacon of light. I’m here alone in my invisibility. And yet, it’s so much safer here. I’ve allowed myself to be shattered, and now all I want to do is hide and put my broken pieces back together. At least I won’t be broken again this way. But still… I long to connect to something that will breathe some life into me.

I take a breath. I sigh. The stillness is my only friend.

The world is spinning, I’m watching from inside myself. My thoughts and feelings are blurring together again, I’m losing touch with reality. I’m losing touch with myself. All that remains is a ghost of who I used to be.

I’m numb and nothing feels real anymore. I listen to the words that serenade me. I’m connecting, but I’m also too far gone. The sorrow feels so heavy, and my core has sunken into the void. Here in the dark, nothing can appease the darkness. I’m the sacrifice it demands, and I let myself fall in. Still, it wants more and more. I have nothing left.

I’ve been fighting it with everything I have in me, but I’m going to let it lay me down this time. There’s nobody here to pull me out of this, not even myself. I’ll slip away and leave this world behind.

Losing myself in oblivion is all I can do. There’s no use fighting it right now. I’ll lie here and watch this grey world spin, but I’m just too tired to fight back. I silently observe the life before my eyes, but I don’t dare move. I have no control, and I can’t change a thing.

All I want is some clarity, but my vision is too dark to see past anything.

 

Someone, anyone… shine a light on me.

 

xoxo,