My mind aches. My head spins. My heart hurts deeply. My soul is breaking. My spirit has flown far away from me; far from the mess that has presented itself in my waking life. My dreams reveal all the confusion I’m too apprehensive to face when I’m awake.

Apprehension and fear have held me back, but sometimes I think maybe they’re looking out for my own best interests. Maybe the anxiety knows something I don’t. Maybe it’s trying to lead me down a different road that isn’t a wasteland that could consume me and lay me out among the wreckage. Maybe I do really know what’s best for me, but the hunger and sadness in me wants to find out so much more.

If I hold myself back, the pain can’t ever touch me. I’m beginning to find comfort in the fact that my heart is held behind walls. Nobody or nothing can hurt me. These walls get stronger every day. And in the moments I begin to pick away at them, I find reasons to put the ax down and start rebuilding again. Behind these walls, I’m building a foundation for myself. Maybe these walls need to stand tall, just so I can solidify the earth below my feet. The security I’ve created for myself is something I’m so proud of. Now I’m too afraid to give myself away to another. Too afraid to let go of my power, because frankly, I’m not sure how to keep it for myself still. It sounds so pathetic, but in my moments of vulnerability, I seem to lose myself.

I don’t want to lose myself anymore. I want to stay in love with the power I’ve conjured up. I’ve come too far to let myself slip away. My resilience is something I’m proud of; how can I possibly lay it down for someone else to walk right over it and wipe their feet all over it?

I won’t be broken. I will not lay down and die. I will love myself, again and again…

But the uncertainty remains. It’s always there.

Life is so uncertain. Every choice, every decision, every breath leads me into a new direction. I wander alone, lost and afraid. I ask for directions, but I seem to be lead astray most of the time. I’m left answerless. They say I must find the answers within myself. But what if my core is still empty? What if the emptiness is heavier than I could possibly bear? I’m frozen in my tracks. I close my eyes and I listen as closely as I can. I hear a whisper, a murmur. I’m listening to the little voice that is lost somewhere in the dark inside my soul. I’m doing my best to reach in, but all I can do is hold my hands up over my face and disappear somewhere far away from reality.

I gazed at the Harvest Moon last night. I fell into the fullness of it. I was lost in a trance inside the light it shone back at me. I didn’t fight my tears in the moment, I let them wash over me. All the fear and anxiety was trying to escape. I could’ve cried more, I wanted to. But then I did make myself stop. But the revelation and the fear still suffocated me. The uncertainty let itself be known. I’m sitting here still lost in the uncertainty that stares at me from the corner of the room. I can’t find another way to escape it. Not anymore.

I don’t want to listen to that voice, I want to ignore it. I want to dive right in to the deeper end and drown… but only destruction awaits me if I do. How can I save them if they don’t want to be saved? How can I save myself when I so desperately want to hold onto them? How can I give my own breath to them? Is it not enough? It’s not enough. It never will be. I can’t change a thing.

If I let go, my world will turn to grey. What I’m not seeming to notice though is that the poison has already spilled over and the colors I so beautifully saw, they’re turning back to the grey and black hues that haunted me before. Everything is returning to what it used to be, before they came into my life. My walls are these shades of grey. I tried to paint them with the vision I saw through my eyes. But the grey and black are bleeding down the walls again. I can’t stop it.

The uncertainty is winning, and there isn’t anything I can do to change it.

All I wanted was to keep them near me, but I feel them fading into the dark. My hand is empty as theirs slips away. I feel their eyes turning black and their silhouette vanish before my own eyes. I want to grasp them, take them back and heal them. I want to capture their essence and keep it here forever.

I don’t want them to go…

But I also realize that can’t hold onto what was never mine. The ocean of uncertainty between us has casted us away. I’ll return to my life of asphyxiation and isolation, and they’ll return to their life of restlessness and destruction.

I adore them so very much, but the agonizing uncertainty is too high of a price to pay. I can’t make them keep a promise that they are unable to keep- let alone if they willingly want to. I would never ask them to sacrifice themselves to appease me. But I feel such sorrow for them choosing to walk down a burning path that is swirling with ash. If only they could see what I see. If they only knew. I feel defeated knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do to save them.

The uncertainty doesn’t have to win. All they have to do is wake up from this nightmare.

 

 

I hope you open your eyes and revel in the beauty before you, my darling.

 

 

xoxo,
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