I’m sitting here alone. Wanting to be somewhere but not sure where. Wanting to be around someone, but wanting solitude. How can those feelings exist at the same time? How do I sit with someone and say few words, and not feel uncomfortable and awkward? How can I have everything I want without feeling like I don’t deserve it? The world doesn’t owe me anything, so why am I expecting something or someone to fall in my lap? How do I erase this feeling of hopelessness?

I’m shifting back and fourth, side to side, up and down. I’m being pulled in every direction by my own conscious. Everything is foggy and I can’t make a single decision. I’m stuck in limbo somewhere. I don’t know where that “somewhere” is though.

My heart and soul are aching. I want to crawl into someone and feel the warmth of their energy. And yet, I want to hide away and close my eyes. I don’t know how to separate the two enough to decide which one I truly want. So instead, I stay still. I watch the world around me spinning while I remain so still, so quiet. My eyes glazed over as the electricity of the city attempts to zap into my mind. It doesn’t work.

I’m only a vessel that carries around something dead inside. I don’t know how to bring it back to life anymore. Sometimes I feel the life swimming through my veins. Other times though, they feel as hollow as a broken tree.

Human touch sounds so tempting, and yet, the thought of it infects me. How can I break free and cure myself? How do I rid this poison out of my blood? I’m asking so many questions and I haven’t a single answer to any of them. I really am truly lost.

I’ve lead myself astray, once again. Buried in the dark oblivion, I’m staying still because there’s nowhere else to go at this point. In this moment, I’ve lost the will to search for the light that beckons me. The sights and sounds and electricity and human connection are fading away.

Numbness has taken over; such irony that it’s all I feel now. Voices are muted and faces blur.

You and I disappear.

There’s no way out… not today.

xoxo,

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